Is this the worst dating app of all time?
RENDEZVIEW: Forget swiping right or left, the latest dating app Australian singletons are clambering to be a part of has one primary requirement, and it's not a love of long walks on the beach, writes Michael Scammell.
The new Tinder-style app has been created so that like-minded private school types can hook-up with people who are exactly the same as they are. It's like your personal Twitter echo chamber without the shouty tedium and morality. Or like going to a private school without the inconvenient poor people. It's like having sex with yourself - and isn't that the whole point?
Despite Toffee's list of recommended hook-up opportunities, it isn't all polo functions and racing carnivals. Then again, it may have a tab for Schoolies Reunion Week where couples can get drunk and fall off the balcony of a better class of hotel balcony. And presumably there is a section for Cosmetic Surgery week and Earth Day, both of which are a thing for its innately interesting and well-educated target demographic.
The dirty secret though, is that contrary to the photoshopped selfies, not all private school types are attractive. Some are even Donald Trump obsessives on a mission, based on my recent Facebook feed. And then there's the sexual dysfunction thing and the middle-aged despair. But other than that, it's all good and well worth the wild ride if only for the overseas sex tours.
Toffee has been rated a Top 5 dating app, but who does this polling? And who trusts the polls these days anyway given they couldn't even predict ScoMo's election win.
Not wanting to turn down this dating-app turn-on vibe, but haven't we been down this path before?
We've just had an election that played to the notion of elites and class warfare - comments about taxing millionaire's yachts and the Top End of Town and a focus on elite, inner-suburban political issues like climate change and hating God and playing Pin the Tail on the Nazi. And that didn't end too well at all.
Certainly, this idea of creating a virtual gated community for private school "toffee-ists" in chinos is on trend with popular TV shows like Love Island, where shirtless people who love themselves get to have sex with their inferiors who are trying to make sense of what the blithering idiot in front of them is saying.
But then there are also shows like The Bachelor that don't work out at all. Remember how the Honey Badger couldn't commit? That was probably because the rugby-playing Badge never went to a private school, unlike the telegenic and media trained bachelorettes circling him.
Toffee, of course, is a great name for a private school dating app. It's both slightly too rich (like a private school) and sticky (the way couples stick together forever these days).
And Toffee - based on the available sexting footage - is also the substance that apparently excited private school types drizzle over each other during lovemaking just before uploading.
This is a real turn on for rich kids with sports cars - except if it starts to harden making it all unpleasantly messy and not very Fifty Shades at all. Just like that time when your one night stand forgot to mention they were a sugar-intolerant diabetic, leading to the arrival of paramedics who, even though they never went to a private school, are probably at this moment the most useful people you will ever meet in your life.
But let's face it, you wouldn't want to date one of them.
Michael Scammell is a freelance writer.