How not to have a breakup
WITH one magazine story, Karl Stefanovic's ex-wife Cassandra Thorburn has tossed aside the quiet dignity we once praised her for and exposed the Today host's most precious secret: there's an unknown Stefanovic.
It's a baby blanket that goes by the name of Bee-Bee and, according to Cass, Karl secretly carries it with him everywhere he goes.
The bold confession was just one of many that tumbled through Thorburn's tell-all with The Australian Women's Weekly this week. It's not clear what motivated the 47-year-old mum-of-three to speak out and reveal all. Revenge? Closure, perhaps? Maybe an attempt to take control.
To be honest, she probably just got sick of seeing Karl running around in denim shirts and fedoras like he's the 2IC of a General Pants with that chick in the skeleton slippers, also known as his fiancee Jasmine.
And so she spoke out - two years after the sudden breakdown of their 21 year marriage and on the eve of the release of her first children's storybook. A total coincidence.
The thing is, Karl's popularity slumped long ago. So a surprise tell-all - which also sledged the host and his extended family for distancing themselves - carried a tone of bitterness rather than triumph. After all, Cass proudly declared last year Karl was "dead" to her.
In a bid to diffuse Cass's latest interview, Karl released a statement refuting the "inflammatory" claims his ex made about the split, the kids and Bee-Bee.
Two things are off limits in a breakup: Kids. And embarrassing secrets.
Knowing the person you love still carries their baby blanket is the kind of thing that's totally adorable when you first start dating. The precious vulnerability makes you adore them even more. But after two decades and a bitter divorce, it's no longer cute.
And it becomes ammunition to use in a very public divorce - the perfect humiliating confession to splash across the pages of the AWW.
Immediately, Cass's interview made headlines. And we couldn't help but feel disappointed.
Quiet dignity is a funny thing. You can only maintain it for so long. But then you get so proud of yourself for being the bigger person that you decide to celebrate by telling just one person your side of the story.
It starts with a close friend. And because it feels so good to vent, you do it again. This time to your barista and everyone behind you in line at the coffee shop. It quickly snowballs and all of a sudden you're telling national magazines and Myer sales assistants about the embarrassing secrets of your jerk ex.
But Cass has taken it a step further. Not content with exposing it on the glossy pages of a tabloid, she has also made the baby blanket secret a key detail in her upcoming children's book - about a lion called Leo who needs to sleep with a blankie.
We gather Karl is Leo Lion.
The magazine labelled it a "cryptic reference", but the thing about cryptic references is they're no longer cryptic if you explain them in a national publication.
"I have an ex-husband who still carries a piece of his baby blanket, 'Bee-Bee', in his pocket every day," Cass spelled out. "It was something that always stuck with me."
Bee-Bee was not interviewed in the tell-all and did not return our calls for comment on rumours he's set to take over as co-host of Today when Karl gets promoted to store manager at General Pants.
BARNABY ABANDONS THE KMART MUM VOTE
In a dangerous misstep, Barnaby Joyce has offended perhaps the most valuable demographic in the country: Kmart mums.
The clanger came when he made the sweeping generalisation that people who shop at the affordable department store don't care about climate change.
"The issue is this: people in the Kmart, people in the local pub, they don't care about the Paris Agreement," Barnaby insisted at a press conference this week. "It means nothing to them. It has no purpose."
While the broader issue at play is that Barnaby does that thing old people do where they add "the" in front of everything - the Kmart, the Facebook - let's not get distracted. The bold statement riled Kmart mums in checkout queues across the country.
I don't know much about the Paris Agreement. But I do know if it came in rose gold, Kmart mums would absolutely care about it. The Paris Agreement would sell out and be on backorder. If it came in rose gold, Kmart mum Facebook groups would be littered with posts offering tips and tricks on how to incorporate the Paris Agreement into your own home.
Some crafty mums would go the extra mile and refashion it into a lampshade. Not content with the metallic razzle dazzle of the new-look Paris Agreement, other mums would even give it their own twist and cover it in marble contact.
The Kmart Mum vote isn't one you want to lose. They're powerful and unforgiving and come armed with hot glue guns. And they're capable of making climate change look très chic.
AUSTRELIA'S NEWEST HERO
You know you've gone too far when even the Kardashians are disappointed in your behaviour.
In mortifying scenes, Australian Instagram model Tammy Hembrow was stretchered out of Kylie Jenner's 21st birthday party in Los Angeles last week after collapsing in the club.
The Kardashians were positively embarrassed and actioned the most brutal of consequences by unfollowing her on Instagram, and Tammy instantly became Australia's newest icon.