Bach frontrunner brutally roasted
TORMENTED by Ali's best girlfriends, one overwhelmed Bachelorette contestant has been sent into a hysterical fit and mocked mercilessly after running off into the garden.
Ali has been warned about several men on this show. Red flags are flying all over the place. "My radar is so off. How'd I get it so wrong?" she whines to us again tonight. But when she's informed of who exactly she should get rid of, she decides to keep them in and instead do a surprise unplanned double elimination of two nice guys.
She's like that friend who bores you for hours with personal dilemmas and then, after giving your sound and logical advice, she does the complete opposite.
We don't have time for this, Alison.
First up, though, Ali and Tate go on a date and I hate that that rhymes. The date is literally just this bottle of wine they found in a murky river and I wish the dates I went on were this romantic.
Back at the mansion, Ali's two gal pals have come along to have awkwardly formal meetings with each individual boy. Tension arises immediately.
"This is my best girlfriend Jess," Ali says enthusiastically. "And this is my cousin Bianca."
We all get super uncomfortable because we can see in Bianca's eyes she has always thought she was Ali's best girlfriend and now Ali has humiliated her by relegating her to the position of boring cousin who she invited out of obligation.
The girls drag the dining table into the backyard and make Osher bring the boys to them one-by-one.
"WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE," Bianca yells at all the boys, clearly still irritated that Ali doesn't see her as her best friend.
They have the chance to ask these boys whatever they like and they waste the opportunity. They don't even try to get to the bottom of why all the boys are wearing white jeans today like they're Liz Hurley. Nor do they think to ask Todd if he plans on keeping his nose ring. And what's with the holes in Charlie's shirt?
Jess and Bianca play a tough game, and not everyone knows how to play.
Riled by the accusatory line of questioning, Robert is sent into a hysterical flap and launches a bitch fight where he starts sledging Ali.
"Has SHE learnt the lessons she needs to learn from HER past relationships? Is SHE ready for this? Has SHE done the work?" he spits.
It doesn't go over well.
Robert runs off into the garden and Jess and Bianca don't even wait until he's out of earshot to laugh about it and roast him for being a total drama queen.
"He's too full on," Jess says while scribbling in a notepad and rolling her eyes. "He was intense."
"I felt like I needed to cleanse myself of him, actually."
Even Bianca - who, just moments earlier, threw a tantrum when she found out she isn't Ali's best friend - thinks he's exhausting.
"That was draining," she laughs. "He would not fit in our family at all. He spoke at you, not with you."
The girls drag the dining room table back inside and make Ali sit down so they can explain their findings. That being, they hate Robert for having a hissy fit.
Ali is stunned by what she hears. Until now, Robert has been a frontrunner. But Jess and Bianca's analysis has changed everything.
"My radar is so off. How'd I get it so wrong?" Ali says, wide-eyed and genuinely confused as if the fact she sucks at choosing men is a brand new realisation.
We react accordingly.
"This is the biggest bombshell!" Ali exclaims to us. It's so not a bombshell. But what is a bombshell is Robert is still in a huff and decides to take it out on Ali when she pulls him aside to inform him her girlfriends think he's a total drama queen.
"Have you learnt your lesson? Do you really want what you say you do? Are you ready for a relationship? Do you really know what you want? Have you changed? Also are you a natural blonde and what really happened on the stairs?" Robert fires at her, and I may have enhanced his line of questioning slightly towards the end there.
Ali swore to us she had learnt from her mistakes. She has been warned about Bill and she has been warned about Robert. But instead of banishing Robert from the mansion in an on-the-spot backyard elimination, she gives a rose to both him and Bill at the rose ceremony.
In a bid to give us some drama, she halts the rose ceremony unexpectedly. Four guys are standing before her, but she puts the rose back down on the silver platter.
"Can I please talk to you outside, Danny?"
On the gravel driveway, she tells him fanks but no fanks.
"I think you know how much I care for you. And how much I know you're a good guy. And I can see how much you care about me. And I see you as such a good friend …" she says, unsure of how to finish the sentence. But her wishes are clear.
Danny whispers something and we don't really hear it because he only talks in murmurs.
Usually when something like this happens, Osher will return to the rose ceremony alone and tell everyone proceedings have been cancelled. But producers jump at the chance to get rid of an extra guy so the series ends sooner.
Ali runs back in and tells Pete he should scram and go back to the real world to finish his online real estate course.
At least we think that's what happened. We're not entirely sure. We were in the swamp diving for wine.
For more observation on swamp wine and Liz Hurley jeans, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir