SPOILERS: Three better endings to Game of Thrones
YES, like everyone else, I was incredibly disappointed the Game of Thrones finale. I was so incredibly disappointed that I actually laughed out loud.
For many it was no laughing manner, but all good things must come to an end. Bad things also apparently.
In preparation for the one in a lifetime event that I had been waiting almost a decade for, I (riskily) told my girlfriend not to message me and settled in.
I made sure I had all the snacks and supplies I would need to get through the hour and twenty minute episode which, let's face it, really finished twenty minutes in when SPOILER ALERT: Jon stabs Daenyrs in the heart with his fancy dagger.
Instead of lamenting the quick finish to the episode, I spent the remaining hour inventing three much more feasible endings to the world-wide phenomena that would have satisfied fans much more than the abomination we all viewed last night.
1. The Full Circle ending
Instead of "breaking the wheel" of slavery, misery and corruption, Daenerys Targaryen's death creates another full circle of war and all the delights that comes with it.
As the death of Aerys II Targaryen and Robert Baratheon triggered a series of horrible events, so too should have Daenerys's.
Much to Jon Snow and Tyrion Lannister's horror, the death of the beloved (and mostly now feared) genocidal queen has upset the Unsullied and the horse lords a realistic amount and they've vowed to take over Westeros.
It was incredibly unlike both war-like groups to just go "Oh, dearie me, our beloved Khaleesi has died, perhaps we'll have a spot of tea and throw Jon Snow in jail for the night".
So let's have them react how they really would and raze whatever part of Westeros hasn't been levelled by Drogon and create another decade worth of death and destruction.
Jon Snow is beheaded ala Eddard Stark by a furious Grey Worm, who lacks any political savvy.
Tyrion Lannister is spared due to his previous relationship with Grey Worm and manages to use some of his diplomacy and suggest tactical vantage points before escaping in a drunken shenanigan involving a honeycomb and a jackass.
He returns to his wife, Sansa Stark, in the North and the cycle of war and death continues.
2. Bran the Night King
There was relentless speculating that when Bran was branded by the Night King back in season six that he was to become him, and ultimately become Westeros' downfall.
So what if he is really the ultimate bad guy?
I was left wondering how the Three Eyed Raven, instead of being lauded as the new ruler, is shoved, like a square peg into the round hole as King of the Six Kingdoms, etc., etc. and takes it gracefully.
He is an omniscient being - how are you so blind to see he has orchestrated this!?
After Bran's coronation, due to some suspicious changes on the Small Council like the addition of a frosty-eyed gentleman with a spooky looking sword, and one of those weird Children of the Forest critters, people begin to get a bit sus.
Some of the Westerosi that lived through the past decade cotton on and decide enough is enough.
In retaliation, Bran the Broken uses his omniscience to see acts against the Crown before they happen, dishing out some bizarre Minority Report justice, killing traitors before they can even commit a crime.
But his big sister Arya Stark catches wind of his tyranny and turns her sails back west, her gap year on hold due to family issues.
Using her assassin magic, she takes the face of the only person who won't see it coming: Bran himself, and murders him in cold blood.
This ultimately leads to...
3. Battle of the Bastards 2.0
Please note: this alternate ending works as a standalone or as a follow-on.
With no suitable ruler for the Iron Throne, the two bastards with royal blood are backed by the Great Houses of Westeros to take control.
Jon Snow is dragged back from the deep-north of the wall where he is living happily with several ginger kids.
Gendry Baratheon, as he has had his full title and lands reinstated by Daenerys, is backed by the less scrupulous houses, such as Yara Greyjoy, seeking vengeance for her queen's death and a jaded Yohn Royce.
Yohn Roce is disillusioned after the death of the first elected ruler of Westeros, or alternatively, upset Jon Snow did not take the throne for himself in the first place.
While Jon and Gendry are both characters with high morals, rumours spread around the Seven Kingdoms about the two. With some well-placed village burning by the Gendry's backers, Jon's anger is invoked.
Gendry's armies march on the North and while Winterfell is still shy of men from the last war, overrun it. In spectacular fashion, Sansa refuses to be captive again and attempts to kill Yohn Roce, filled with vitriol. She is swiftly beheaded.
When Jon, the free folk and a motley assortment of crew march on Winterfell, they are laughed off. That is, until they hear Drogon flying overhead, who has recovered from his grief at the death of his mother...
4. Riding off into the sunset
OH WAIT. We got this one, and it sucked.
I will stand on my moral high ground, as Jon Snow did atop the First of the First men, and say this loudly: "BOOOOOO!"
You cannot, cannot, have a troupe of people that have spent the last decade murdering, pillaging, betraying, just metaphorically ride off into the sunset to happy lives.
I am happy for Kit Harrington to tell me to "go f**k myself" as he has in this interview because I will use some equally strong language in return.
If you care about Game of Thrones, hop over to this article and sign the petition to sort it out.
Alternatively, if you would like to read a fair and balanced review of the season and last episode, you're very welcome to.
Anyway, there you have it. Three perfectly good endings that I wrote in less time than it took to watch that last episode and almost nine years of my life down the gurgler on that show.